If I stayed with should, I would be living a very different life today. I would have convinced myself that my circumstances were permanent to a certain degree and that change was not really an option and not something I had the strength to make. I would have continued fulfilling the prophecy that I started believing about myself.
When two people start generating negativity unintentionally or by habit, it becomes not only detrimental but toxic. I know this is what happened to my relationship. We didn’t intend for this to happen and each of us on our own were and are not negative people but together we became negative.
So my should told me to work it out and that it could be done and was possible. My should also told me that we had to make it work for our children and that being a product of divorce myself, I knew what the potential effects and consequences would be and that I couldn’t perpetuate the cycle.
Should also questioned my dedication and passion for fitness because it meant replacing “volunteer mommy time” with “me time”. I felt guilty but then I asked myself exactly what and why. I had spent the first 6 years of their lives completely dedicated and devoted to them and their lives from diapers and nursing and being on call 24 hours to being a member on a school PTA, in class volunteer and teacher of an after school elective…
I know I could have been more involved these past few years but the fact is that at the time, I made choices and decisions because that is where I was at and what I wanted and no longer what I should. By following my wants and needs, I regained my identity and along the way, who I am as in IS started replacing SHOULD BE and today I am now a product of IS. I am no longer a should and I have had to transition and it has been hard at times.
I had an exchange with a friend this morning and I told her that I have purposefully chosen to distance myself from certain groups because of the transition I am currently living and she asked, “why, you didn’t do anything?” And she’s right but I choose to take time and create space as I settle into my life of IS and no longer SHOULD.
BELIEVE…your heart will not betray you, follow it as you navigate your life.